Chatter Boxes

To see previous "To Whom It May Concern" entries look here and here.

Dear Sick People,

Stay home. The world is not going to stop spinning because you had to stay home from work. It it better for everyone if you snot and sneeze in your own house. If you insist on coming to work, please do not walk up and down the hallways coughing into every open door you see. Can I interest you in a mask and some antibacterial gel? This is a hospital for goodness sake - we're not in short supply.

Sincerely,
Mrs. First Door on the Right

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To Heather and Jenny,

Thanks for watching us last weekend. We enjoyed our time with you. Come back to visit anytime you want. Sorry about the toaster oven. Mommy should have told you about it before she left.


From,
Carhartt and Sheena

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Dear Bugs,

I guess we showed you! I know that you are God's creation and most of you are good for something. However, you are not welcome in my home. You are free to enjoy the vast surrounding area (except mosquitoes - you are evil and should die), but the indoor space is off limits. If you continue to violate this request, you will be executed like the others. I trust you'll make the right decision.

Regards,
Mrs. I Have Poison and I'm Not Afraid to Use It

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Dear Delta,

I'm sorry I bad-mouthed you about making us walk from the far end of the terminal just to turn right around and go back through the same gate. You thought ahead and made it very easy for us to catch our connecting flight. I shouldn't have been so quick to judge.

I also commend you for the yummy cookies you provide in addition to peanuts.

Sincerely,
Grateful Passenger

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Dear Nampa,

You're getting so big (relatively speaking). John says you're not as smelly as he was led to believe. I tried to tell him you were just having a good day.

By the way, your mayor can really rock.

From,
The Lady in the Obnoxious Red Rental Car

Click here for round one.

To Mr. Traffic Weaver,

Your silver mustang convertible does not make you better than everyone else. Your quick jerky lane changing is annoying and you don't get there any faster than we do. Stay in one spot and commit to it.

Thank you-
Mrs. Look its Mrs Now!

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Dear Apartment,

Goodbye. You have been small and smelly but you have kept us warm in the winter and cool in the summer and I am grateful. I will not miss you except for the fact that you were our first marital abode.

Sayonara,
Nose Plugger

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Dear Delivery Man Doof,

Please do not deliver my beautiful cabinet doors and leave them in the driveway. There are several covered areas for you to choose from. Choose one of them. What about our construction site of a house makes you think we live there?

As kindly as I can,
My Husband Is Nicer Than Me

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To Mr. Hardware-Store-That-Shall-Remain-Nameless,

Install our cabinets. No, it is not okay that you push our installation back...but thank you for asking.

Sincerely,
This Is Why John Talks To These People

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Dear Friends,

Thank you for your encouraging words and for remembering us when you talk to Jesus. We are doing much better.

Forever grateful,
Me

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To the cast of Grey's Anatomy,

Can you all please pick a person and stick with them?

Just a thought,
Stuck

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To the makers of the new Garmin Nuvi,

It's awesome! Great job! I love the traffic alert. I have named her Helga. While you haven't figured out how to make the traffic go away, you have at least made the experience more colorful.

Good work,
Slightly Partial

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To people who make pants,

Put pockets on the back of pants. Very few people look good in pants without back pockets. It will help those of us who buy them and those of us who look at them. Everyone wins!

Appreciative,
Girl on a quest for the perfect black pant

As John is learning more and more every day, I tend to have a lot of opinions about things. I do pretty well at keeping most of them to myself. But sometimes its just too much and I must comment or make suggestions. It's the same for good things and bad.

I'm getting ready to write a letter to the manager of our bank, complimenting the financial service representative who has been so helpful in a very frustrating process of allowing John to spend all my money.

But today I reached a new low. I want to be understanding of particular situations and try to think through all the reasons why people are the way they are. But I just couldn't take it anymore. The following letter had to be written and I feel horrible for the action that will be taken because of it.

Dear Food Service Manager:

I have noticed on a few occasions that the woman who works the sandwich line does not properly fasten her dental bridge. It would not be a problem except that at least twice I have noticed that when she talks, she unintentionally spits on the meat trays.

I know sanitation practices are discussed with your employees but wanted to inform you of this concern so maybe more specific instructions could be given to ensure the health and safety of our patients and staff.

Thank you for your assistance in this matter.

It could quite possibly be the strangest letter I've written yet but it had to be done.

Update: The sandwich lady was not working the sandwich line yesterday. She was instead refilling the trays and seems to be enjoying her new job.

To Ms. Chatty Pants -

The following topics should not be discussed on a cell phone in close quarters:
-the itchy rash on your leg
-vomit
-the fight you had with your baby's daddy

Thank you for taking your fellow passengers into consideration.

Sincerely,
Uncomfortable passenger

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To Mr. Chivalrous -

Thank you for holding the door for me when my hands were full on my way into the building this morning. It was very kind of you.

Sincerely,
Grateful Dame

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To Mr. Cigarette in right hand, Portable Oxygen in the left -

A+B= KABOOM!!!

Sincerely,
Miss 500 Foot Clearance

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To Q104 -

"Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy" is not an appropriate song to dedicate to the 8th Grade class returning from a field trip who called in to ask you to play a song.

Sincerely,
Aghast in my Car

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To The Cast of Will and Grace -

That was weird!

Sincerely,
Puzzled with Popcorn

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To Ms. Gas-N-Go -

I'm glad you're not my friend! But if you were my friend, I wonder how much I'd be worth?

Sincerely,
Too Smart to Stay Behind

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To The Kansas City Royals -

It doesn't hurt anymore...do whatever you want.

Sincerely,
Miss I Go For the Fountains

Dear Gender-neutral department store:

I have found myself involved in numerous shopping experiences lately. This isn't something I despise...at times I find it rather enjoyable. However, I've learned a few things in the last few weeks and I would like to share it with you. I believe it will benefit both you and your customers.

First, for the love of Pete, dim the dressing room lights. It is not flattering and it doesn't make us feel good. If we feel good about ourselves, we buy more. The ultraviolet beaming tube lights shining on, over, and around me make me want to run far far away as fast as my pasty white legs can move. As a sidenote, there should be a "swimsuit" button in all dressing rooms where the lights dim even more (or go out completely), and people look tan.

Second, the word average is defined as "the usual or ordinary kind or quality". This means that there are a greater number of people who wear the average sizes and you should buy more of those. I was recently in a clothing store and looking through tops which the salesperson said had arrived last week. The only sizes left were teenie-wheenie and hubba-bubba. What about those of us who are so-so? Please take us into consideration when stocking the shelves. (If you consider yourself to be either one of those sizes, there's a really cute skirt on the clearance rack at New York & Company.)

Thank you for your thoughtful consideration.

- K. Shopper